Stop the Lie of Can't!

Ask a room of kindergartners who among them can sing, and all their hands shoot up.  They sing everyday, of course they can sing. 

Ask the same kids when they hit 3^rd grade and fewer hands go up.  Ask them when they hit 6^th or 7^th grade and 1-2 hands may rise.  Then ask them to sing Happy Birthday, and like magic, they all CAN sing. 

Can I do something has been translated into Do I think I am good enough.

Does this sounds familiar to any of you?  It sure rings true for me.  If you had asked me in middle or high school if I could paint or make art, NO would have been my answer.  Because I decided that art wasn’t something I was good at, I also decided that I couldn’t do it.

But I could paint—no one needed to teach me how to dip a brush in paint and touch it to a canvas.  Heck, even elephants can paint—check them out on you tube: https://youtu.be/owSZs7H24UY.

When we decide we are not good enough at something, we stop doing it or don’t even try. We limit ourselves. When we decide we are not worthy—of attention, respect, love, or effort—we play small and make excuses. 

Why does this matter?  What difference would it make if I never picked up a paintbrush, or took a stone carving class?  What if I played safe my whole life and never tried something I might fail at or not “like?”  Who would care?

I would. I would be living a small, limited life. I certainly wouldn’t be writing this. I wouldn’t have changed careers a couple times, started two businesses, traveled the world, lead non-profit boards and chaplain teams, or found out that I’m actually pretty good at making art—with a camera, paintbrush and carving tools.

I don’t believe that we are meant to live small, unadventurous, limited lives.  I believe that we all have gifts and ideas and stories inside us that will inspire others and change the world for the better if we choose to step outside our comfort zones and share them.  Outside our comfort zone is where the magic happens.

What have you decided that you “can’t” do?  Is it to learn a new technology, travel solo, speak in public, write a book or poem, learn to ski, or to ask for a raise?  I hear all the time—I don’t cook, I don’t dance, I don’t go to Queens, or I don’t do math. 

What if you could?  What if you did?  How much bigger would your world be?  How many more options and adventures could you have?

My challenge for you is to “Just do it.”  Do one thing, something new, different, and definitely outside your comfort zone. Do something that you have decided that you can’t or don’t do.  Choose to picture a great outcome.  Choose that perfectly imperfect is the best result.

Start saying that you can, or you will, or you can learn.  Because you can, and the world needs your unique light to shine bright!

I know you can!

Be well--Carol

Powerball Dreaming: What To Do If Sudden Wealth Comes Calling

Can you feel the slight frenzy in the air? 1.4 billion dollars are up for the winning this week in the Powerball lottery. Do you have your ticket yet? I have mine! Of course I do--because even though I have better odds of being elected president than winning, there is a chance. And you can’t win if you don’t play.

As a sudden wealth coach who works with people dealing with the emotional and logistical fallout of financial windfalls, what is my plan if my numbers are pulled this week? 

It is the same as the advice I give to my clients who come into $20,000, $20 million or $200 million from a lawsuit, divorce, retirement payout, dream job, business sale or inheritance.  And those windfalls happen all the time.

1—Pause and Assess

            Don’t rush into anything. Most financial windfalls are the result of a big change.  Any loss or change of routine comes with disorientation and various stages of grief and overwhelm.  The emotions can range from relief, to lack of deserving, to anxiety about the added responsibilities.

            With these changes also comes a redefining of identity—from married to divorced, or widowed, from the guy in charge to retiree, from the co-worker to the boss, or from part of cast to the star.  It takes time to accommodate this new role and figure out the new rules and responsibilities.

            Stepping back from Doing, allows you to start the process of figuring out what is important now and who you want to be in the midst of all this change.

2—Make a Plan.

            Take time to create a plan.  For some people, 3-4 months extra salary at once can be over-whelming and be gone faster than it came. Even if this is “play money” for you, make a plan of how you want to spend it, share it, pay-it-forward and/or save it. 

           

            Even if the amount seems bigger than you could ever spend in a lifetime, trust me, there will be plenty of people and opportunities to prove you wrong.  

            Creating a solid plan helps you focus on what is important to you, establish good boundaries, and gives you structure when there are way too many options.

2—Build Your Team

            Hire a team of professionals you like and respect to help you protect your assets and limit your liabilities. Typical team members include: a financial planner (CFP, wealth manager, etc.), a tax attorney, CPA, insurance professional, estate attorney.  And, yes, a certified coach as a sounding board, perspective shifter and accountability partner.

            There may be others you want for your circumstances, but what is important is that you feel heard and that you are comfortable with your team.  If you don’t understand a concept—ask questions. If you are still confused, ask more questions.  If you do not get clarity, get a new team member.

            You do not need to be an expert, but you do need to understand how your money is being invested and why.

3—“No” is your Friend

            There will be many people who will want to help you spend and invest your new found fortune.  Family, friends and strangers will approach you with opportunities and tales of woe.  Stick to your plan.  You are not responsible for everyone.  If you want to share, work with your team to create a plan to make that happen.

            If someone or some project is not part of your plan, you can gently tell them no or not at this time.  You can even “blame” your lawyers or advisers for not being able to help at this time.  Remember, every No is a Yes to something else.

4—Self-Care

            It is okay to treat yourself well when you have a windfall.  Eat well, get plenty of sleep, exercise, and take time for reflection—through meditation or journaling.  You will change and grow as you adjust to your new circumstances and you want to be able to follow your instincts. 

           

            What have you always wanted to do, but have been putting it off? What toy or treasure have you always wanted, but have denied yourself?  Life isn’t about the stuff AND living by a code of self-denial isn’t a virtue. 

Financial windfalls are much more common that the Powerball hitting $1Billion.  Having a plan and the support to put it into place can help reduce the stress and make it a time of opportunity rather than a minefield of overwhelm.

When Loss is Part of the Picture: 6 Tips for Sanity in the Holiday Season

Whether this time of year makes you giddy with anticipation, or heavy with anticipation, the holidays can be a LOT. There are the expectations, the excesses and the relatives—that can push our buttons, warm our hearts, or make Syria look like a good vacation option.

I have to admit that I generally like the holidays. Thanksgiving is my holiday of chosen family and friends.  Christmas is about traditions.

Yes, I’m one of the cultural Jews that grew up with a tree, stockings on the fireplace, and all.  We have a real tree, decorated and lit. We open stockings first, then gifts, one item at a time, round robin style—glass of juice mandatory.

But I have also had years when the holidays mostly sucked.  A few years back my mother-in-law passed away on Dec 26.  That was a month after her husband, my father-in law, had made his transition.  Happy Holidays!

A couple years after that, another unexpected death, this one a best friend, happened on Dec 5.  That was a year of just getting through not only the winter holidays, but all the “special occasions”—birthdays, holidays, vacations, Fridays.

I found that this death colored the entire year. I learned when you love big, you get the opportunity to hurt big. 

I can imagine that any major loss or change—a divorce, a retirement, a major illness, a move to a new state, or the death of a loved one—can make the holidays feel anything but jolly. 

So, how do we ease the pressure to be “Merry and Bright” just because the calendar and Toys R Us says so, and find a way to be fully present to our friends, families and feelings instead?

1.  Self-Care—Yes the holidays are about giving, so give some love to yourself first.  Get plenty of sleep, eat well, exercise and indulge a little in a hot bath or massage. 

2.  Feel your feelings—Putting on a happy face isn’t required, neither is being sad, if that isn’t what you are feeling.  Take a break from the crowd if you are overwhelmed, or cozy in with your peeps who love you just as you are.

3.  Boundaries—Do you need to cook the turkey, bake the pies, send out the holiday cards, or buy everyone a gift “like you do every year”?   It isn’t every year; it is okay to just say no.  Set up the expectations in advance of what you are willing to do or not.

4.  Ask for Help—It is truly a win-win. When you ask for help, it allows your friends and family to support you in a specific and tangible way. It can be hard to know how to be and what to do around someone in grief. Asking for help allows others to show you their love.

5.  Abolish “should” from your holidays—Let go of the perfect picture of what the holidays are “supposed” to be.  What do you want your holidays to be about this year? Is it family, friends, laughter, nature, sacred moments, connection, or gratitude? Focus on what is important to you—share that with your loved ones.

For me, sharing simple, heart-felt, expressions of love with friends and family felt much more important than spending hours in a mall or online buying stuff just because. 

6.  Create a new tradition—Sometimes a brand new ritual can help shift the energy from the past to right now.  Writing down one thing you are grateful for on a post-it and putting that in a jar each day. The gratitudes can be read at the end of the month, or end of the year.

Even positive changes—a marriage, new baby, or dream job—have the potential for anxiety as traditions and relationships are altered or newly created.  The negotiation of who to celebrate with, and when, can be crazy making.

So whether you are moving through major changes, or just want more sanity with your celebrations, I wish you joy and peace in this season.

I am holding you and yours as loved, worthy, safe and whole.

Be well,

Carol

Acceptance—Who needs it???

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed… Reinhold Niebuhr

What is this Acceptance thing all about, and why should I want to get within 10 feet of anything that sounds like putting a smiley face sticker on a situation that I would rather take outside and kick its butt???

Well, I’ve been learning a lot about Acceptance lately and what I’m learning has turned a few assumptions of mine inside out.

First, Acceptance doesn’t equal powerlessness.  In the past my brain has heard—acceptance as a substitute for complacency. “Just accept what is” meaning “You can’t buck the system just deal with it”. Or ”This is the diagnosis, there is nothing to be done—Accept it.”

What I have learned is that Acceptance is actually very proactive and very empowering. 

Acceptance is taking all of the story, the blame, the emotion, and the wishing it was another way and detaching them from Just the Facts.  Once I can look at and acknowledge Just the Facts I have the opportunity to be at choice about what I want to do next.  As long as I’m caught up in what I think or feel about the facts, I can’t move forward.

Here’s an example.

Two years ago, one of my best friend’s of the past 15-years just didn’t wake up.  This was a man my exact age, no big symptoms, no illness. Overwhelmed, torn-apart, lost—all good metaphors for where I was at the start of that journey to heal.  Once I could cry, and rage a bit, and why and blame and hide—I needed to find a way that I could keep moving forward.

If I stayed stuck in the story that “Someone our age just doesn’t die” or “Why did God let this happen?” I would be lost looking for an answer to an unanswerable question, looking for who or what to blame.

Acceptance helped me get present with the facts—he was gone. I hated that, still do, but being with Just the Facts—nothing I can fix or change—helped me to be able to choose what action I could take next to start living without him.

Acceptance didn’t take away the pain (or the year of active grieving I went through), but it let me put down the illusion that not wanting something to be so can actually change what has already happened. Acceptance also helped me see that kicking and blaming myself, and those I loved, could not possibly protect me from pain in the future.

Acceptance isn’t about liking what is. It is being able to BE fully present with what is, so I can choose my next best step.

So many of us can get stuck in loops about what happened in the past—the injustices, the hurts, the blaming. Or, we get caught up in the fears of what might happen in the future—break-ups, getting fired, not succeeding, being found out.  Acceptance helps us to get in the NOW.

Try this which a situation that has you stuck or agitated:

1. What are Just the Facts that you know for sure right now? Remember—not what you feel about the     facts, not your story about the facts, not the facts in the past, and not the “might be the facts” if x-happens.  Just the Facts, just right now. 

2. What do I know now that I didn’t before? What can I learn from this? Is not accepting Just the Facts useful right now?

3. Knowing what I know right now—what is my next, best action to take to move me toward my goal or best life?  Just the next action, just one step.

4. Take that action.

5. Repeat step one.

The beginning of the Serenity Prayer is often quoted as: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

The original version is slightly different: God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed…

So, I wish you grace on your journey toward Acceptance and the freedom it can bring.