When Loss is Part of the Picture: 6 Tips for Sanity in the Holiday Season

Whether this time of year makes you giddy with anticipation, or heavy with anticipation, the holidays can be a LOT. There are the expectations, the excesses and the relatives—that can push our buttons, warm our hearts, or make Syria look like a good vacation option.

I have to admit that I generally like the holidays. Thanksgiving is my holiday of chosen family and friends.  Christmas is about traditions.

Yes, I’m one of the cultural Jews that grew up with a tree, stockings on the fireplace, and all.  We have a real tree, decorated and lit. We open stockings first, then gifts, one item at a time, round robin style—glass of juice mandatory.

But I have also had years when the holidays mostly sucked.  A few years back my mother-in-law passed away on Dec 26.  That was a month after her husband, my father-in law, had made his transition.  Happy Holidays!

A couple years after that, another unexpected death, this one a best friend, happened on Dec 5.  That was a year of just getting through not only the winter holidays, but all the “special occasions”—birthdays, holidays, vacations, Fridays.

I found that this death colored the entire year. I learned when you love big, you get the opportunity to hurt big. 

I can imagine that any major loss or change—a divorce, a retirement, a major illness, a move to a new state, or the death of a loved one—can make the holidays feel anything but jolly. 

So, how do we ease the pressure to be “Merry and Bright” just because the calendar and Toys R Us says so, and find a way to be fully present to our friends, families and feelings instead?

1.  Self-Care—Yes the holidays are about giving, so give some love to yourself first.  Get plenty of sleep, eat well, exercise and indulge a little in a hot bath or massage. 

2.  Feel your feelings—Putting on a happy face isn’t required, neither is being sad, if that isn’t what you are feeling.  Take a break from the crowd if you are overwhelmed, or cozy in with your peeps who love you just as you are.

3.  Boundaries—Do you need to cook the turkey, bake the pies, send out the holiday cards, or buy everyone a gift “like you do every year”?   It isn’t every year; it is okay to just say no.  Set up the expectations in advance of what you are willing to do or not.

4.  Ask for Help—It is truly a win-win. When you ask for help, it allows your friends and family to support you in a specific and tangible way. It can be hard to know how to be and what to do around someone in grief. Asking for help allows others to show you their love.

5.  Abolish “should” from your holidays—Let go of the perfect picture of what the holidays are “supposed” to be.  What do you want your holidays to be about this year? Is it family, friends, laughter, nature, sacred moments, connection, or gratitude? Focus on what is important to you—share that with your loved ones.

For me, sharing simple, heart-felt, expressions of love with friends and family felt much more important than spending hours in a mall or online buying stuff just because. 

6.  Create a new tradition—Sometimes a brand new ritual can help shift the energy from the past to right now.  Writing down one thing you are grateful for on a post-it and putting that in a jar each day. The gratitudes can be read at the end of the month, or end of the year.

Even positive changes—a marriage, new baby, or dream job—have the potential for anxiety as traditions and relationships are altered or newly created.  The negotiation of who to celebrate with, and when, can be crazy making.

So whether you are moving through major changes, or just want more sanity with your celebrations, I wish you joy and peace in this season.

I am holding you and yours as loved, worthy, safe and whole.

Be well,

Carol