Acceptance—Who needs it???

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed… Reinhold Niebuhr

What is this Acceptance thing all about, and why should I want to get within 10 feet of anything that sounds like putting a smiley face sticker on a situation that I would rather take outside and kick its butt???

Well, I’ve been learning a lot about Acceptance lately and what I’m learning has turned a few assumptions of mine inside out.

First, Acceptance doesn’t equal powerlessness.  In the past my brain has heard—acceptance as a substitute for complacency. “Just accept what is” meaning “You can’t buck the system just deal with it”. Or ”This is the diagnosis, there is nothing to be done—Accept it.”

What I have learned is that Acceptance is actually very proactive and very empowering. 

Acceptance is taking all of the story, the blame, the emotion, and the wishing it was another way and detaching them from Just the Facts.  Once I can look at and acknowledge Just the Facts I have the opportunity to be at choice about what I want to do next.  As long as I’m caught up in what I think or feel about the facts, I can’t move forward.

Here’s an example.

Two years ago, one of my best friend’s of the past 15-years just didn’t wake up.  This was a man my exact age, no big symptoms, no illness. Overwhelmed, torn-apart, lost—all good metaphors for where I was at the start of that journey to heal.  Once I could cry, and rage a bit, and why and blame and hide—I needed to find a way that I could keep moving forward.

If I stayed stuck in the story that “Someone our age just doesn’t die” or “Why did God let this happen?” I would be lost looking for an answer to an unanswerable question, looking for who or what to blame.

Acceptance helped me get present with the facts—he was gone. I hated that, still do, but being with Just the Facts—nothing I can fix or change—helped me to be able to choose what action I could take next to start living without him.

Acceptance didn’t take away the pain (or the year of active grieving I went through), but it let me put down the illusion that not wanting something to be so can actually change what has already happened. Acceptance also helped me see that kicking and blaming myself, and those I loved, could not possibly protect me from pain in the future.

Acceptance isn’t about liking what is. It is being able to BE fully present with what is, so I can choose my next best step.

So many of us can get stuck in loops about what happened in the past—the injustices, the hurts, the blaming. Or, we get caught up in the fears of what might happen in the future—break-ups, getting fired, not succeeding, being found out.  Acceptance helps us to get in the NOW.

Try this which a situation that has you stuck or agitated:

1. What are Just the Facts that you know for sure right now? Remember—not what you feel about the     facts, not your story about the facts, not the facts in the past, and not the “might be the facts” if x-happens.  Just the Facts, just right now. 

2. What do I know now that I didn’t before? What can I learn from this? Is not accepting Just the Facts useful right now?

3. Knowing what I know right now—what is my next, best action to take to move me toward my goal or best life?  Just the next action, just one step.

4. Take that action.

5. Repeat step one.

The beginning of the Serenity Prayer is often quoted as: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

The original version is slightly different: God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed…

So, I wish you grace on your journey toward Acceptance and the freedom it can bring.