Stop the Lie of Can't!

Ask a room of kindergartners who among them can sing, and all their hands shoot up.  They sing everyday, of course they can sing. 

Ask the same kids when they hit 3^rd grade and fewer hands go up.  Ask them when they hit 6^th or 7^th grade and 1-2 hands may rise.  Then ask them to sing Happy Birthday, and like magic, they all CAN sing. 

Can I do something has been translated into Do I think I am good enough.

Does this sounds familiar to any of you?  It sure rings true for me.  If you had asked me in middle or high school if I could paint or make art, NO would have been my answer.  Because I decided that art wasn’t something I was good at, I also decided that I couldn’t do it.

But I could paint—no one needed to teach me how to dip a brush in paint and touch it to a canvas.  Heck, even elephants can paint—check them out on you tube: https://youtu.be/owSZs7H24UY.

When we decide we are not good enough at something, we stop doing it or don’t even try. We limit ourselves. When we decide we are not worthy—of attention, respect, love, or effort—we play small and make excuses. 

Why does this matter?  What difference would it make if I never picked up a paintbrush, or took a stone carving class?  What if I played safe my whole life and never tried something I might fail at or not “like?”  Who would care?

I would. I would be living a small, limited life. I certainly wouldn’t be writing this. I wouldn’t have changed careers a couple times, started two businesses, traveled the world, lead non-profit boards and chaplain teams, or found out that I’m actually pretty good at making art—with a camera, paintbrush and carving tools.

I don’t believe that we are meant to live small, unadventurous, limited lives.  I believe that we all have gifts and ideas and stories inside us that will inspire others and change the world for the better if we choose to step outside our comfort zones and share them.  Outside our comfort zone is where the magic happens.

What have you decided that you “can’t” do?  Is it to learn a new technology, travel solo, speak in public, write a book or poem, learn to ski, or to ask for a raise?  I hear all the time—I don’t cook, I don’t dance, I don’t go to Queens, or I don’t do math. 

What if you could?  What if you did?  How much bigger would your world be?  How many more options and adventures could you have?

My challenge for you is to “Just do it.”  Do one thing, something new, different, and definitely outside your comfort zone. Do something that you have decided that you can’t or don’t do.  Choose to picture a great outcome.  Choose that perfectly imperfect is the best result.

Start saying that you can, or you will, or you can learn.  Because you can, and the world needs your unique light to shine bright!

I know you can!

Be well--Carol

Acceptance—Who needs it???

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed… Reinhold Niebuhr

What is this Acceptance thing all about, and why should I want to get within 10 feet of anything that sounds like putting a smiley face sticker on a situation that I would rather take outside and kick its butt???

Well, I’ve been learning a lot about Acceptance lately and what I’m learning has turned a few assumptions of mine inside out.

First, Acceptance doesn’t equal powerlessness.  In the past my brain has heard—acceptance as a substitute for complacency. “Just accept what is” meaning “You can’t buck the system just deal with it”. Or ”This is the diagnosis, there is nothing to be done—Accept it.”

What I have learned is that Acceptance is actually very proactive and very empowering. 

Acceptance is taking all of the story, the blame, the emotion, and the wishing it was another way and detaching them from Just the Facts.  Once I can look at and acknowledge Just the Facts I have the opportunity to be at choice about what I want to do next.  As long as I’m caught up in what I think or feel about the facts, I can’t move forward.

Here’s an example.

Two years ago, one of my best friend’s of the past 15-years just didn’t wake up.  This was a man my exact age, no big symptoms, no illness. Overwhelmed, torn-apart, lost—all good metaphors for where I was at the start of that journey to heal.  Once I could cry, and rage a bit, and why and blame and hide—I needed to find a way that I could keep moving forward.

If I stayed stuck in the story that “Someone our age just doesn’t die” or “Why did God let this happen?” I would be lost looking for an answer to an unanswerable question, looking for who or what to blame.

Acceptance helped me get present with the facts—he was gone. I hated that, still do, but being with Just the Facts—nothing I can fix or change—helped me to be able to choose what action I could take next to start living without him.

Acceptance didn’t take away the pain (or the year of active grieving I went through), but it let me put down the illusion that not wanting something to be so can actually change what has already happened. Acceptance also helped me see that kicking and blaming myself, and those I loved, could not possibly protect me from pain in the future.

Acceptance isn’t about liking what is. It is being able to BE fully present with what is, so I can choose my next best step.

So many of us can get stuck in loops about what happened in the past—the injustices, the hurts, the blaming. Or, we get caught up in the fears of what might happen in the future—break-ups, getting fired, not succeeding, being found out.  Acceptance helps us to get in the NOW.

Try this which a situation that has you stuck or agitated:

1. What are Just the Facts that you know for sure right now? Remember—not what you feel about the     facts, not your story about the facts, not the facts in the past, and not the “might be the facts” if x-happens.  Just the Facts, just right now. 

2. What do I know now that I didn’t before? What can I learn from this? Is not accepting Just the Facts useful right now?

3. Knowing what I know right now—what is my next, best action to take to move me toward my goal or best life?  Just the next action, just one step.

4. Take that action.

5. Repeat step one.

The beginning of the Serenity Prayer is often quoted as: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

The original version is slightly different: God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed…

So, I wish you grace on your journey toward Acceptance and the freedom it can bring.