Acceptance—Who needs it???

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed… Reinhold Niebuhr

What is this Acceptance thing all about, and why should I want to get within 10 feet of anything that sounds like putting a smiley face sticker on a situation that I would rather take outside and kick its butt???

Well, I’ve been learning a lot about Acceptance lately and what I’m learning has turned a few assumptions of mine inside out.

First, Acceptance doesn’t equal powerlessness.  In the past my brain has heard—acceptance as a substitute for complacency. “Just accept what is” meaning “You can’t buck the system just deal with it”. Or ”This is the diagnosis, there is nothing to be done—Accept it.”

What I have learned is that Acceptance is actually very proactive and very empowering. 

Acceptance is taking all of the story, the blame, the emotion, and the wishing it was another way and detaching them from Just the Facts.  Once I can look at and acknowledge Just the Facts I have the opportunity to be at choice about what I want to do next.  As long as I’m caught up in what I think or feel about the facts, I can’t move forward.

Here’s an example.

Two years ago, one of my best friend’s of the past 15-years just didn’t wake up.  This was a man my exact age, no big symptoms, no illness. Overwhelmed, torn-apart, lost—all good metaphors for where I was at the start of that journey to heal.  Once I could cry, and rage a bit, and why and blame and hide—I needed to find a way that I could keep moving forward.

If I stayed stuck in the story that “Someone our age just doesn’t die” or “Why did God let this happen?” I would be lost looking for an answer to an unanswerable question, looking for who or what to blame.

Acceptance helped me get present with the facts—he was gone. I hated that, still do, but being with Just the Facts—nothing I can fix or change—helped me to be able to choose what action I could take next to start living without him.

Acceptance didn’t take away the pain (or the year of active grieving I went through), but it let me put down the illusion that not wanting something to be so can actually change what has already happened. Acceptance also helped me see that kicking and blaming myself, and those I loved, could not possibly protect me from pain in the future.

Acceptance isn’t about liking what is. It is being able to BE fully present with what is, so I can choose my next best step.

So many of us can get stuck in loops about what happened in the past—the injustices, the hurts, the blaming. Or, we get caught up in the fears of what might happen in the future—break-ups, getting fired, not succeeding, being found out.  Acceptance helps us to get in the NOW.

Try this which a situation that has you stuck or agitated:

1. What are Just the Facts that you know for sure right now? Remember—not what you feel about the     facts, not your story about the facts, not the facts in the past, and not the “might be the facts” if x-happens.  Just the Facts, just right now. 

2. What do I know now that I didn’t before? What can I learn from this? Is not accepting Just the Facts useful right now?

3. Knowing what I know right now—what is my next, best action to take to move me toward my goal or best life?  Just the next action, just one step.

4. Take that action.

5. Repeat step one.

The beginning of the Serenity Prayer is often quoted as: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

The original version is slightly different: God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed…

So, I wish you grace on your journey toward Acceptance and the freedom it can bring.

Summer Vacation: Lesson 2—Climbing Mountains

  So, lesson two from my summer vacation puts me on the north side of Kauai at the end of the road. Really, the road on the north side going west ends at Ke’e Beach. Ke’e is my favorite beach on the island.  It has lots of sand and shade, you can walk a long distance, chickens roam the sand, you can see turtles and monk seals, or just sit in the calm waters.  There are even facilities and a lifeguard and sometimes a guy selling ice-cold coconuts in the parking lot.

What is also at Ke’e, is the trailhead of the Kalalau Trail, or the Na Pali coast hike. If you have seen Jurassic Park, South Pacific, Six Days/Seven Nights, King Kong with Jessica Lange, Pirates of the Caribbean—you have seen the Na Pali coast.  It is only accessible by water, helicopter or hiking.

I have visited Kauai six times, and every time I say that I will hike part of the Na Pali coast. Never have. Why? Lazy, yes--but that’s too simplistic. My lazy is deeply rooted in a lifetime of viewing myself as the overweight kid who was last in any laps running during PE or countless team practices.  I was embarrassed by my body—the suit of armor I carried to protect myself from dealing with my emotions or my sexuality. My lazy was intertwined with my not wanting to fail, look bad, be made fun of, or be fully seen. My form of lazy led me to gain weight in the run-up to my wedding—to really make sure I would still be wanted or loved—more armor, more padding so I wouldn’t get hurt so much by the rejection. If I don’t try—no glory, no reward, but I also get to stay safe. Existing, not thriving.

So, about this hike.  This year was the year to try. So, bolstered by my traveling companions and the promise of amazing views—up we start. We know that at ¼ mile is the first lookout and at ½ mile is the view of the entire coastline.  Easy, right? Ten minute walk on the streets of NYC.  We are not in NYC! This trail is straight up the side of a mountain—loose rock, big fall away, waterfalls create slippery/slimy little hazards to maneuver. Big fun!! We are passed by younger hikers—and trail runners--but on we push. 

We made the first ¼ mile in about 20 minutes. Panting, happy to stop for photo ops, not dead yet and not embarrassed yet. Hopeful even.  At this point, two of our party who had chosen flip-flops as hiking gear decide to return down the mountain.  I had an out.  I didn’t have to go on.  What to do?

Apparently, I have a moment with God. A voice in my head said loud and clear: “You are the youngest one in this group. Why do you keep treating yourself less than? You can do this. You are stronger and more agile than you know. Move up the mountain.” So I did. I maneuvered boulders, on-coming tourists and 20-mile per hour wind gusts to stand at the ½ mile marker and see the Na Pali coast and the Northern coastline from way up on a cliff. My legs were tired, but I did it. No confetti or parades—but I did my own little internal happy dance.

We weren’t done yet. After 45 minutes up, it was back down the trail.  And for me, down was a lot easier. I work better with gravity than against it. I actually bounded down the mountain—faster was working for me. Yes, my legs were sore the next day, but I not only survived, I got the photos to prove it.

My lessons—let go of old stories that are not supporting my thriving.  No risk means no reward.  I now want to get out of my comfort zone more—see what else I can do or become.  I want to start pushing my physical limits as much as my career, intellectual and creative edges.  What can I do if I weren’t concerned about how others might see me, what they might think?

How cool would that be?  I’ll let you know.