Friday, December 14, 2018

Coming Out...again!

My name is Carol and I have a mental illness.  I have been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.

I've been away from blogging for about two years and I want to tell you why. Nine days after my last published blog, my life took a detour into a dark rabbit hole and it took me a long while to find my way out again. There were the first two or three weeks that I didn't sleep and couldn't "remember" how to breathe. Two weeks in a hospital. Some delusions. You know, just how you want to spend your 49th birthday!

There were the months of becoming the opposite of ME.  I experienced depression, anxiety attacks, extreme weight loss and extreme weight gain. I especially enjoyed the 24-hour a day supervision/care/baby-sitting for months on end in my own home. Happy times.

I didn't do something to cause this, and no traumatic event happened to bring it on. Thankfully, I had the support of a loving family and friends, a church community that snapped into action, and access to good medical care (including a fabulous Psych ward!) to help me through.

So why Come Out about it? 

First, because so many people don't. Our country still has a deep shame and fear around mental illness. I have learned that many more people then I knew have had a mental illness.  I get lots of personal confessions when I speak about it. And why the heck not! I've had tons of "physical" illnesses and the brain is just another part of the body. Why don't we expect it to get sick or have breakdowns?

Second, we have a large population of people living with mental illness who don't have the resources that I did. When I see people on the subway whose energy says the world is out to get them--that they are "wrong", I get it now. I've been there and felt that. If I had had a drug to make me feel the way that hypo-mania felt--way happy, energized, focused--I would have done anything to get me some of that.  I suspect that many people with drug addictions may be looking for the same thing--to not hurt so much. 

Third, I think it is important to separate the person from the illness. It is not a label I wear, nor should anyone have to. I am not bipolar, but I have bipolar. No one IS their illness, their personal tragedy, their addiction, their poverty, their wealth, their us vs them. People are amazing, strong, beautiful, and vulnerable.
What has this journey given me so far?  I do feel like myself again, however--I'm goofier than before. I have more empathy. I cry more often. And I am not so attached to the image/definition/mask I had held up as Carol in the before time. I feel the need to share where I have been so others don't feel alone.

My name is Carol, I have a mental illness. Nice to meet you.

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